When it comes to masturbation, skip the porn

Porn is powerfully captivating, especially for men, who tend to be wired visually. It transports us into scenarios, bodies and sensations that are normally out of reach. HD screens, endless scrolling, and just enough novelty keep us coming back.

But honestly, it’s detrimental to our long-term access to pleasure. It isn’t even the most fun in the moment. The most sensation, good or bad, comes from being attentive, present, awake and aware of what your body is actually experiencing.

Your body is an instrument

There’s pleasure in pondering things. Artists, philosophers and mystics all love the feeling of their mental gears turning. But masturbation is something closer to a musician playing an instrument. When I play music, I’m not thinking. I’m in an acutely focused state: following the notes, even letting the instrument lead.

Masturbation, the way I teach it, is about letting the body lead. As a somatic sex educator I’m especially interested in mindful masturbation: removing distraction and being as focused as you can on the sensations of your own body, present with your living, breathing soma.

Porn is about the worst thing you can have going during that practice. It’s a bit like trying to play your instrument in the middle of a busy intersection.

Why practise at all?

Because it is a practice, and anything you want to get good at takes regular practice. All of us have deeply entrenched patterns around sex and our bodies. Turning that ship around takes some determination at first, but believe me, it’s worth it.

It’s worth it because this is such a big, powerful resource inside us that people who study erotic embodiment regularly use the word magic to describe it. Some of us even call ourselves sex wizards. That probably sounds a bit woo-woo. Really it’s the rational, linear part of the brain trying to describe an experience it has no clue about. The logical mind is a deer in headlights when it comes to erotic trance, and that’s a good thing. Understanding the science is lovely for sex geeks like me, but in the throes of arousal it means jack.

With practice, the experience and its after-effects get so big that, just like magic, anything starts to feel possible. Your mental and physical health benefit. Your ability to show up in your relationships, sexual and otherwise, gets a real boost. Creativity and confidence come along for the ride too, and you never have to leave home.

Mindful self-pleasure is one of the practices we work with in one-to-one coaching. It’s taught through conversation, guidance and homework, always in your own private time.