Self-doubt is the opposite of self-love

Self-doubt is the opposite of self-love. I know this from extensive experience, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. That’s why I’m sharing this, and it’s why my work is centred on self-love.

Self-doubt is normal in adolescence. We’re saying goodbye to the protection of childhood and stepping into a self with many more ways to screw up. Luckily, adolescence also comes with vigour and an adventurous spirit, because we haven’t faced the consequences yet.

Then adulthood arrives with a whole lot of cultural conditioning. The desire to fit in at school becomes the desire to fit into society. As the years go on it becomes clearer who has managed to “adult” well and who hasn’t, at least by the old measures. But I believe success is moving from outward expressions of security to inward ones: freedom of spirit, mind and emotion. Plenty of people haven’t caught up to this yet, but the change-makers are pointing that way.

Where I tripped

I’m at an age where I’m supposed to have some wisdom to go with the grey hair. And yet I have recently been self-destructive. By that I mean mindless, reactive, triggered behaviour that goes against what I know is best for me.

Last year I spent a long time creating a body of work that I later destroyed in a fit of frustration and anger. I regretted it almost immediately. Since then I’ve been processing it, trying to harvest some wisdom, because if I can, the whole experience gets reframed. That’s a way of healing from self-harm.

So I asked myself why, and the answer was self-doubt. I didn’t fully believe in myself. I was worried about other people’s opinions. I spent more time thinking about what I should do than what I wanted to do. I wasn’t following my inner guidance.

The project was showing me my conflict between what I wanted to make and what I thought the world could accept. I was in new territory and I wasn’t steady in it. In scrapping it, I finally saw the value it had. I can recreate it, and this time from a clearer place.

What I’m taking with me

I don’t recommend creating this way. It’s far too costly. But you can make the best of any situation.

Next time, I hope to witness my frustration without reacting to it, knowing it isn’t about external conditions but an internal preference. If I can love my frustration and take it as a sign that something is misaligned, I can work with it instead of being destructive and upset with myself.

That’s the practice. Not never falling. Falling, and getting up kinder.